Once Upon a Time
by Sakura Blackwolf
Summary: Hakkai's got a secret he doesn't want anyone to know about. Not even Gojyo. But keeping it to himself may as well kill him in his own misery...but perhaps it's not misery that would kill him. (Gojyo+Hakkai)(Complete)
1. Tired of the sound of my tears

I was insane when I wrote this I tells ya O.o  
  
Disclaimer: Minekura Kazuya and Enix own Gensomaden Saiyuki. The lyrics in the beginning of this odd fic is from the song, "Total Eclipse of the Heart", by Bonnie Tyler. This wasn't meant to offend Christians in any way  
  
Revised 8/15/02  
  
Once upon a time there was light in my life  
Now there's only love in the dark.  
  
  
Perhaps this was his punishment.  
  
Yes, a punishment. For commiting one too many sins.  
  
He loved his sister, he mass murdered, he fell in love with a certain half-youkai, he killed even more, he was still alive. Many sins. Many, many sins. He might as well have 'sinner' written all over him. It's disgusting. It's wrong. You're going to burn in hell. Hakkai rubbed his temples, reflecting back on the teachings the church had taught him and the other orphans. It was a calm and gentle Christian church, but some of the sisters were very devout, telling little boys who would kiss other little boys that they were going against God. Hakkai didn't like believing in God, saying that if his parents were killed, then God was an unforgiving being who doesn't care. He abandoned his "children". Didn't one of the sisters say, "God cares for all of you?" Why didn't he care for his parents, Kanan, everybody on the face of earth who died for no reason?  
  
With one hand clutching his chest, Hakkai slowly walked on over to the sun-kissed window, watching the yellow butterflies as they fluttered by. It must be so nice to be free like them. Not having to worry about anything. Sometimes he wished he was a butterfly. His gaze lowered back from the sky to the ground filled with people. But no, he had to be one of them. Hakkai sighed, slipping his hand back to his side once the chest pain faded.  
  
It had been about four years since their long journey to Tenjiku. The brunette smiled as he felt a hint of nostalgia creep up on him. Sure, some parts were a bit depressing, and some parts were life-threatening, but it was quite an experience for all of them, especially Sanzo. Sanzo had opened up a little after the journey. It wasn't much, it wasn't too obvious, but Hakkai knew it was there. The resurrection of Gyuumao had also been successful, and he was knocked out first because he was the healer. Later, he was told that Seiten Taisen Son Goku had killed him. The Kougaiji-tachi had afterwards allied with them once everything was over. It was almost expected. There was something between them when they fought. Almost like they had known each other for many years as friends. So they went back to living the way they had before, only Gojyo had gotten a bigger apartment. It was no journey to the west, but it was nice in its own, simple way.  
  
But now there was that problem occuring in his lungs.   
  
Ever since he had been informed of it, he had been careful to act normal as can be around his roommate, Gojyo. He knew Gojyo was slightly suspicious, but he never let him know. He will -never, ever- let him know. Hakkai slipped away from the window, away from the sight of people and golden butterflies in the sky and onto the couch nearby. Of course, he had been stupid for not noticing it before. The pain, the lack of hunger, the nausea, the exhaustion, the persistent coughing and colds, why he couldn't stand sex with the redhead anymore, everything. Gulity. That was all he felt. And that was only for lying to Gojyo.   
  
Such a fitting punishment for him. But in his mind, he wished that it wouldn't also be punishment for his lover. The redhead didn't deserve anymore sorrow. How could he tell him that he would no longer be here? That he was leaving and never coming back? Hakkai sighed sadly. 'Please don't make him suffer. He shouldn't cry for a someone like me.' In his mind, he knew Gojyo would not be happy, but it was already too late.  
  
Just...too late.  
  
  
  
"Taaadaima!" Gojyo kicked open the apartment door, lugging a bag filled with all sorts of food with a sunshine smile spread wide on his face. Finding silence to be the answer, the head of taboo hair peered around while kicking off his boots, "Hakkai?"  
  
Setting the plastic bag on the dining table, he turned around and took a few strides until he had the couch in his sights, complete with one sleeping brunette. A smirk shot on his face as he placed himself behind the other's head, dipping down and brushing a light kiss amongst the green-eyed man whose eyes fluttered open. Gojyo chuckled, pulling back enough so his long strands of crimson hair tickled the other's cheeks, "Miss me?" A warm smile appeared on the brunette face.  
  
"Very much." Hakkai's soul felt warmed at the gentle laugh from the redhead as he walked around to the side of the couch and leaned over, taking both of the brunette's hands in his as he pinned them to each side of his head, straddling Hakkai with his legs as he let himself move forward to plant a breath-taking kiss to the other. The emerald-eyed man tried to move his arms so he could wrap them around Gojyo's neck to further deepen the touch, but the redhead made sure he didn't succeed in that movement. Hakkai let out a soft gasp as Gojyo pulled away to kiss at his exposed neck.  
  
"Gojyo...-Gojyo, please stop." And he did.  
  
"What's wrong with you, Hakkai? You never used to be like this." The said man strained on his smile. That's how it has been nowadays.  
  
"I'm sorry. I've been tired lately." Gojyo cupped the other man's face, piercing his rose-blushed gaze through the other's forest green. The brunette felt his heart practically stop, until the redhead pulled away and stood up on the floor. Hakkai felt a wave of relief crawl down his spinal cord.  
  
"That's okay. You have been looking a little weary lately. By the way, how was the appointment at the doctor's?"  
  
"They said I was working myself a little too hard and that I should cool off." Nevermind the fact he had shredded up his results into tiny bits then blew them into oblivion once he got home. Gojyo smirked. How Hakkai would miss that smirk.   
  
"I told you so, babe. Convient though because I, Sha Gojyo, am going to take you out tonight." The brunette smiled warmly as the redhead placed a palm flat on the center of his chest and held his chin up high.  
  
"That's so nice of you, Gojyo. Where are you taking me?"  
  
"To the most fancy resturant in this backwater town! I got reservations, " A lazy wink.  
  
"That sounds wonderful, Gojyo," Hakkai pushed himself up on his feet once more, noticing from the corner of his eye, it was sunset already, meaning he had been sleep for an hour or so. The redhead scratched his head, "Yeah, it was hard. Long, hard, and boring but I figured you'd want to go, so I went and did it after such a long time. The man there apparently mixed up his reservations so he had to call everyone on the list to make sure it was the right table or the right time. Blah blah blah," the crimson gaze shifted to the kitchen, "but I got groceries too so you don't have to worry about it."  
  
A warm smile crept up on the green-eyed man's face, "You've been so generous to me lately. Thank you."  
  
"Yeah, well, you looked tired a lot so," he shrugged before walking back to the kitchen. "So go get ready while I put away the food. We have to be there in twenty minutes."  
  
  
  
Hakkai wearily stared at his reflection in the mirror, brushing a pale hand through chocolate brown tresses. The cough he had been straining to hold back came out, blood dribbling over his chin. His eyebrows narrowed as he turned on the bathroom sink, rubbing the tap water to cleanse the red off. He felt sick. Really sick. One hand clutched his stomach which ached badly, feeling the vomit tempting to rise. Instead, Hakkai held it back. Short, shallow breaths made themselves clear within the walls of the small room. Taking a deep swallow of air, the man stepped outside, vaguely aware of the soft 'kyuu's nearby from Hakuryuu who, the last time he saw him, was sleeping on a basket of laundry. The brunette turned to see the small dragon in mid-air, flapping his wings in a calm rhythm. Tiredly, he reached up to take the creature in his arms, murmuring under his breath.  
  
"Hakuryuu, I don't know what to do."  
  
Soft 'kyuu's made themselves existent as the dragon gave his sympathy to the other. Hakkai pulled on another strained smile, and held the dragon closer as if he were a child clinging to his mother. That was how he felt right now. Weak, both physically and mentally. Of course, he had too much pride to actually show such a display of emotion to somebody other than Hakuryuu, who in someways, he thought understood him perfectly.  
  
Can't tell him.  
  
Don't tell him.  
  
Never tell him.  
  
  
  
At the resturant, Hakkai discovered it really was fancy. It was true the town had grown after the Minus Wave vaporized into the air, but he never thought a place like this would be this populated. Then again, he hadn't been out too much. Things were different than watching life from a glass window. Taking his gaze off his salad, he peered over at Gojyo would looked a bit cheesed off, "Are you feeling okay, Gojyo?"  
  
Scarlet eyes shifted to look at him, "Hm? No no, I'm just not into big fancy places. Or maybe I'm still just too used to this town not being so...exotic."  
  
The former-teacher smiled, "I see."  
  
Hakkai sighed, taking small nibbles at a piece of seasoned lettuce. He really wasn't that hungry, but Gojyo didn't need to know that. He had spent so much effort trying to please him, the brunette admired him. It was a special night, and he didn't want to mess it up. He wouldn't let his "sickness" get in the way of his and Gojyo's happiness. Hakkai watched as Gojyo placed a piece of steak in his mouth. He found it more interesting than poking at his salad. Unfortunately though, his cough was acting up again.  
  
A strangled noise erupted from his throat, and Hakkai quickly covered his mouth, hoping Gojyo was too into his thoughts to notice. Unfortunately, he knew the redhead was more aware than that, "Hakkai?" The said man's eyebrows furrowed as he felt Gojyo reach over to try to remove his hand from his mouth. He was aware of the fact Gojyo frowned when he stubbornly didn't budge his hand that he knew was stained in his blood and saliva.  
  
"Hakkai, what's wrong?" The pressure on his hand grew, but the brunette tried to keep his palm faced away from the other. If Gojyo saw the blood, then he'd panic and then he would start worrying. Gojyo shouldn't worry about him.  
  
"Hakkai!" People were staring at them now. The redhead grunted and after bit of struggling finally revealed what the other had been hiding. He hadn't been expecting what he was going to see. Hakkai pulled his hand back to his mouth, seeing scarlet eyes widen as he coughed once more, the chest pains coming back on him. Blood spread over the pure white tablecloth. The former-teacher thought he was going to start tearing at the eyes, but was glad he didn't. Hakkai never enjoyed being weak. He was heaving in air now, trying to ignore the pain around his torso, trying not to take short and shallow breaths which cause more pain to his heart. Suddenly the room started spinning. Everything was fading. Gojyo's beautiful face was blurring as if he were crying. But he wasn't crying. He hadn't cried in years and he wouldn't now. Faintly, he heard someone yell, "Somebody get a doctor!"  
  
It sounded like Gojyo. Sweet, sweet Gojyo. Hakkai knew Gojyo would make a face at being called sweet. A faint smile crossed his lips for a second at that thought before shifting into a frown. He felt strangely light-headed now as he felt himself slip out of the chair from the side and nail the floor on his back, knocking the breath out of his damaged lungs. The brunette's head limply lolled to the side and he recognized the taboo character hurrying over to his side before the world faded from a blur to pitch black.  
  
Yes, this was his punishment.  
  
Many, many sins that had to be acted upon. That had to be ended with a penalty.  
  
For he was a sinner.  
  
Sinners shouldn't be allowed to live.  
  
  
  
  
Game over or Continue?  
  
  
  
No, I don't hate Hakkai ^^. 


	2. Tired of all my lies

lyrics belong to Bonnie Tyler ^^;;  
  
Revised 8/15/02  
  
  
Once upon a time I was falling in love  
Now I'm only falling apart  
  
  
  
"Are you sure it's alright, Gonou? I love you so much it hurts, but Gonou- why did you have to be my brother?" One soft hand touched the woman's pale cheek.  
  
"It'll be alright, Kanan. It shouldn't matter as long as we're happy, ne?" A small, melancholic smile pulled at the woman's lips, lifting her hands to her face, feeling Gonou's warmth. Such a calming warmth. So kind and gentle. And so very sad.  
  
"Yes, we should be alright," Kanan's left hand lightly caressed the other's wrist with her silken touch, "Gonou, I love your hands. The fingers are so long and beautiful." A brighter, warmer smile graced her delicate features. Looking back into her sibling's eyes, painted the color of the earth, she chuckled softly, "Or does 'beautiful' sound strange for a man?"  
  
Such a sweet, sweet smile; Kanan.   
  
"I could do anything for your sake."  
  
So he said.  
  
  
  
The room he woke up in was insanely white, lingering with it the smell of purity. He didn't recognize the tiles on the ceiling, or the feel of the room to be his. Hakkai shifted slightly. His body felt weak, not exactly how he liked to be. The bed he laid in was a foreign touch, not exactly the best of comfort to him. He tilted his head to where he was sure the door was, the pale light of the moon shining down on him from the opposite side. A glance of gold was all he could see until his neck started straining.  
  
"Sanzo?" There was a rustling of paper, as if the priest was putting away his newspaper which Hakkai was sure he was reading. Violet eyes regarded him through the lenses of his reading glasses.  
  
"So you're awake. You've been asleep for a whole day." The blonde swiftly pulled his glasses away from their perch on his nose, watching the brunette as he carefully sat himself up. Coughing a little, the other replied with a soft chuckle, voice thick from the lack of moisture, "I see." Slowly, he accepted the glass of water that was handed to him, aware of his shaking fingers as he gently sipped the cool liquid, "Thank you."  
  
An emerald gaze looked over the room while setting the glass on the desk to his side, finding only the blonde priest to be inside with him, "Where's Gojyo?"  
  
"He went home. The idiot made himself so damn tired waiting for you to wake up. Yaone and Dokugakuji helped him get back. If I didn't know any better, I would've thought he got himself wasted at your bed." Sanzo scoffed at the thought, while the brunette smiled, a little melancholy tipped at the ends. "I feel bad now. By the way, why are you here?"  
  
"The monkey needed to go to the bathroom," Hakkai chuckled at the flat tone in the other's voice and then there was silence. Long and lingering. So long it was twisting the green-eyed man's heart. And then-  
  
"Does Gojyo know..of my condition?"  
  
"The doctor was busy, so he couldn't tell us. He probably didn't want the burden of saying it."  
  
"I see..." One elegant eyebrow raised in question.  
  
"Sanzo, if I told you, would you tell Gojyo?"  
  
"Shouldn't you tell him instead?"  
  
"I don't want him to know..."  
  
"I don't make promises, Hakkai." The man smiled.  
  
"I'm not asking you to promise me. I'm asking you a favor." The silence from the other man told him to go on. Hakkai sighed deeply. How was he going to say it? Should he just get to the point?  
  
"Sanzo, I have lung cancer." The silence went on.  
  
...  
  
"I see. How long until..?"  
  
The brunette's fingers gripped onto the hospital's white sheets, "They said, that maybe I'll live for two more months- but don't tell Gojyo. Please. I don't want him to be sad when I die. Telling him makes it even harder for me to live on, because I know he wouldn't act the same as he has been." Sanzo nodded.  
  
"How long has this been going on?"  
  
"I was informed of it a couple months ago. They said it was too late to stop it, so..that's why it makes it hard. As much as I'd like to give Gojyo a ray of hope, I can't." Hakkai sighed heavily, resting his forehead on top of his knuckles as he proped his elbows on his knees, feeling the gaze of violet eyes hovering above his head.  
  
Suddenly, the door squeaked open to reveal an older Son Goku, "Saaanzo, I'm hungry... Na?" Golden eyes blinked before registering the difference in the room he had come into before, "Hakkai! You're awake!" The said man looked up and smiled warmly at the brunet boy..no, man now, as Sanzo muttered, "Bakazaru. I'll kill you."  
  
Goku quickly stepped over to the man's bed, "You know, Hakkai, Gojyo was acting weird. He was really worried."  
  
Sadness stretched over the pull of the emerald-eyed man's lips, "I could imagine."  
  
Sanzo sighed, standing up from the only chair provided in the small, white room, "Goku, iku zo."  
  
"Nani? But I want to talk to Hakkai."  
  
The said man offered an reasurring smile, despite the lie that escaped his lips, "No, it's okay Goku. I'm kind of tired and you can talk to me tomorrow." He knew Goku would want to ask him questions he didn't want to answer, which he why he felt a wash of relief over his tension when Sanzo had spoken.  
  
"Ah? Oh, okay Hakkai. See you tomorrow!" Another wash, but of sadness, crept over him seeing that boy smile so brightly. He would miss that smile too. So calming and full of kindness; happiness. Goku had that affect on others. Just as Goku was out the door, Sanzo was about to disappear from sight as well until, "Sanzo?"  
  
The blonde priest looking back was all Hakkai needed to assure him. He knew Sanzo wouldn't tell Gojyo, but it wasn't a promise. It was a favor, because Sanzo didn't like promises. And neither did he because to him..it seemed as if he couldn't keep promises. Hakkai sighed and reached, taking another gulp of water to soothe his throat before placing it back on the wooden surface, leaning back against the fluffy pillow behind him. Then the world blurred once more- and then faded to black.  
  
  
Once outside, Goku looked over to the blonde walking beside him, "Na, Sanzo, what's wrong with Hakkai?"  
  
"Nothing you'd understand."  
  
  
  
Hakkai shifted slightly under the light touch on his cheeks. Seeing as after a few more moments, it did not go away, he slowly opened his forest green eyes. The sun was beaming down on him..and another, marking that it was already morning. Long strands of scarlet fell and tickled his cheeks as eyes of the same blush of red stared down on him, a smirk curved on the man's face, "Yo."  
  
"Gojyo..what are you doing here?" Hakkai's voice was softer than usual, due to just waking up, but was audioable to the taller man anyway. Plus, he was also a bit scared he'd have to tell Gojyo about 'that'.   
  
"Well, babe, I'm here to pick you up. Got a problem with that?" Gojyo grinned when a faint blush spread over the brunette's cheeks. Giving him a chaste kiss on the forehead, he pulled back to stand erect as Hakkai responded. "No, I don't have a problem, Gojyo. Of course not."  
  
"Good, because I'm sure Hakuryuu is getting impatient waiting outside." Normally, their apartment was within walking distance, but with all the changes going on, the town had grown bigger and also Gojyo feared for his lover's health. He didn't know what would happen if Hakkai walked back home. Not that he knew of Hakkai's condition-  
  
But he would. He'd make sure of it.  
  
  
The trip back home was a silent one. Only the rustling of people walking around and their chattering were the only sounds. The brunette made sure he didn't mention his illness to Gojyo and he silently hoped Sanzo didn't tell him either. But this was Sanzo he was talking about. The blonde priest wouldn't say anything. Mentally, Hakkai smiled. Sometimes, he had felt as if they had been friends for many, many years when in reality, he had only met the man a few years ago. But it felt like their connection went beyond that, almost like it had been going on for hundreds of years. It was silly to think about.  
  
  
It was nice coming back into the familar feeling of their apartment. Hakuryuu, now perched on his shoulder, emitted soft 'kyuu's into his ear worriedly. Hakkai chuckled softly, "I'm fine, Hakuryuu. I just had a sudden attack of nausea, that's all." But the silence from Gojyo was all the brunette needed to know that the redhead obviously didn't buy it. And he was sure Gojyo had been suspicious of his health for a very long time. Hakuryuu knew the truth, but he couldn't say the truth in front of Gojyo.  
  
"Hakkai, I need to talk to you in private." The said man mentally winced.  
  
"Y..yes." Slowly he picked Hakuryuu off his shoulder and settled him down on the ground, before walking into the nearest room with Gojyo. Before he could turn around after hearing the door click shut, one hand snaked out to touched the wall he was facing over his shoulder. Hakkai's breath slowed down as he felt the redhead's body heat get closer to his backside.  
  
"Hakkai, what happened?" A forced smile that Hakkai hoped was convincing enough broke out on his face.  
  
"Nothing, Gojyo. It's like I told Haku-"  
  
"Dammit, Hakkai! I know you're lying!" That was it. His heart felt like it just stopped there. He -knew- Gojyo had suspected something. From the gazes he got to the fake smiles he would get when he lied to the redhead again. The taboo character wasn't oblivious to the matters going around his apartment, but sometimes Hakkai wished he was. The hand on the wall pulled back to wrap the forearm around his shoulders, pulling the brunette's back flat against the redhead's body as Gojyo's other arm encircled his waist. Warm breath trailed along his right shoulder, making the hair on the back of Hakkai's neck stand up and his back tense.  
  
"I was worried about you. Dammit, I wanted to protect you, Hakkai. Why aren't you telling me anything?" Drops of melancholy struck the brunette's heart once more as he gently put a pale hand over the redhead's tan forearm.  
  
"I'm sorry." That was all he could say. That was all he would say.  
  
  
  
Later in his own room, Hakkai sat in solitude on the bed. So many questions were running through his head, that it had to be unhealthy to be so stressed. The brunette sighed and fell back against the pillow, holding a hand over his emerald eyes. So he mangaged to avoid Gojyo's questions for one day. But the man would definitely try to press on again. Faint 'kyuu's came into existence as Hakuryuu flew into the room. Hakkai sat up as quick as he could, and held the dragon in his arms, almost immediately gently petting the animal's silky mane of hair.  
  
"I don't know what to do, Hakuryuu. This feels like too much for me to handle." And he felt so weak when the white dragon nuzzled his cheek. Slowly, he leaned over to open a drawer next to the bed. Kanan's watch, in ruins, untouched for years. The glass was already cracked in several places, and the framework was coming apart, but yet he still kept it. Broken, like Kanan was. In ruins, like Kanan was. Broken like him. Ruined like him. Sighing softly, he shut the drawer, rubbing his fingers through the dragon's soft, white tresses. White..like that hospital. Pure as the moon. Pure like Kanan. Sweet, sweet Kanan. Why did they have to sacrifice her? Oh, yes, that's right. Because he had loved her more than he should have and so did she and according to the village-  
  
It was wrong.  
  
It was disgusting.  
  
So what about loving Gojyo?  
  
"It's wrong. It's disgusting," Hakkai murmured softly, repeating the words he once overheard while one of the sisters from the orphanage made two small boys take the "right path." The small sounds from Hakuryuu brought him back to reality, away from all those wretched memories he longed to forget. He sighed once more, coughing a little once more.. His emerald eyes trailed over to his closed door. The brunette felt the urge to go talk to Gojyo, but the thought of him asking about his illness made him refrain from standing up. Sanzo was really the only one he could go talk to. Maybe later tonight, he could go off to Chou An without Gojyo. But then wouldn't the man be worried sick? That was quite a drawback, but he needed to talk to someone who would understand. That someone was Sanzo. Maybe he could go when Gojyo fell asleep. Where was Gojyo anyway? Carefully setting the white dragon down, Hakkai stood up on the ground, padding over to the door where he slowly turned the doorknob, as to not make a sound and slightly opened it. The redhead wasn't within sight.   
  
Softly stepping out, Hakkai looked around the apartment. He looked in the kitchen, the living room, everywhere except for...Cautiously, the brunette peeked inside the taboo character's room that he would mostly stay in for the night. It was more familar than his actual room, but his actual room was more private. And there was Gojyo, slumped on the bed on his stomach asleep. Most likely he had forced himself awake even after wearing himself out. The green-eyed man smiled at the scene and slowly shut the door.   
  
"I guess I got lucky. And it's one o' clock in the afternoon, so I don't have to worry." Slipping on a pair of shoes and a jacket, he was about to go out the door when a 'kyuu' made him turn around.  
  
"Oh, Hakuryuu. I need you to stay here. If Gojyo wakes up and sees I'm not around, you have to be here to make sure he doesn't panic or try to find me. I won't be long anyway. The trip to Chou An isn't necessarily long, and I think even in my condition, I should be able to handle it." A reasurring smile crossed the man's face, but anyone who knew him better knew he wasn't so sure himself. The dragon seemed rather hesitant at first, before the look in his eyes said he had full confidence in his master.  
  
Hakkai breathed out a small breath of relief as he turned the knob on the door leading outside.  
  
It's not like he was going to get hurt anyway-  
  
Right?  
  
  
Game Over or Continue?  
  
  
I've never really had someone I know get lung cancer before, so bear with me if my information is incorrect. But I don't know if people with it cough every single second of their life O.o so that's why Hakkai seemed okay. Besides, the guy just got out of the hospital so*shrug*. 


	3. And as I wade through all my thoughts, I...

Don't forget Hakkai's sharp-witted stupidity*snickers*! The rest of the "Once upon a time"s are now my disgraceful poems. Spoilers for the manga.  
  
  
  
Once upon a time I had Heaven  
Now that Heaven is Hell  
  
  
He was being stupid, but he couldn't go back now.  
  
Besides, he'd hate to have Gojyo involved.  
  
  
Goku stared outside the window, letting the sweet sunshine caress his face. Absently, he rubbed one of his wrists, tracing over the faint scar left by his manacles. Five hundred years of wearing them had made his skin scar permantly. He didn't like looking at it, which was why he usually pulled his wristbands over them. Sanzo knew about them, but Hakkai and Gojyo didn't. It was a good thing his skin was tan enough, because it was hard to spot unless one squinted hard. Suddenly, the boy winced and looked over his hands. A small bead of red. His fingernail had cut into it.  
  
"What are you doing here, bakazaru? Life starting to slow you down?" Goku just grinned, rubbing away the scarlet.  
  
"Nope! But Sanzo- I'm hungry~!" As his ignored stomach made that fact true, one of the priest's eyes starting twitching. Goku felt his head hit the floor as the infamous paper fan smacked him over the head, "Ouuuuch..."  
  
"Damn right, "ouch."" Sanzo seated himself on the other side of the window sill, watching as Goku lifted himself off the floor. The brunette rubbed his head, as he took back his spot near the glass.  
  
"What were you doing?"  
  
"Thinking." The blonde raised a thin eyebrow.  
  
"Bakazaru getting smart on me?"  
  
"Hey!" Goku bristled as Sanzo absently popped out a fresh cigarette. The golden eyed boy frowned, "Sanzo, don't smoke anymore. I don't want to see you go away." Sanzo's eyebrows narrowed.  
  
"Who told you that?"  
  
"Hakkai did. He told me that smoking is bad for your health." The brunette reached over and plucked the drug from the blonde's grasp and crushed it between his fingers in front of the violet-eyed man, "Please..Sanzo. It's been too long."  
  
The priest stayed silent for a minute, staring at the expression that washed over the boy's face, until he grabbed the other's wrists. Touching the small scratch that was recently made with one of his fingers, he let go of Goku's hand and showed him his index finger. A shallow line of red across the pale skin. Goku held his breath. Rubbing the blood off onto the wooden frame around the glass window, "Stop thinking about your scars, baka. It screws up your brain, if you have one."  
  
"They bother me a lot. These scars bother me because they don't go away like a normal injury. When I see them, they remind me of my imprisonment, when I couldn't see the sun." Sanzo sighed softly, reaching behind him to the wooden drawer and pulling out something Goku recognized as his wristbands. Confusion settled into his head as the blonde wrapped the pale yellow cloth around a tanned wrist, holding it down with one of his red bands. Then the same procedure was done on the other carpal.  
  
"Then don't look at them, saru."  
  
Goku blinked at Sanzo, then down at the cloth set around the marked skin, then back at the blonde.  
  
"Na, Sanzo, you've changed a lot in the past few years."  
  
The monk scoffed, "I didn't change at all, bakazaru. You must've been thinking too hard to assume that nonsense." The man stood up on the ground again, turning his back towards golden eyes as he walked out of the room. Goku sat dumb-founded for a small moment of silence, before he smiled.  
  
  
Sanzo sighed from behind the door, "Hakkai's just trying to make a living example of himself."  
  
  
  
  
He remembered the times Jien used to read him fairy tales. He didn't really like fairy tales, but he loved Jien. Whatever made Jien happy made him happy. A story of "Once upon a time," a prince and princess fated together, but led astray by an evil witch. All those stories seemed to end in "Happily ever after. The End." Why was it that he and Hakkai couldn't have that paradise? Why did Hakkai leave? Why? Why? Why? He had woken up the next day, to see that the brunette was gone.  
  
Is he coming back?  
  
So it had been two days since. Yesterday after he stopped searching the apartment, he paid a visit to the monk, because he thought Hakkai would go there. He and Sanzo tended to talk a lot sometimes. So he went to Chou An and Sanzo stated that Hakkai was not there. He searched all over the town- and Hakkai was not there. He went to the hospital and was told he wasn't there either.   
  
Dropping the empty can of beer to the carpet floor, Gojyo curled himself up in a ball. His taboo hair spilled around his head, irritated from the lack of grooming. But Gojyo couldn't care less about him. He was more worried about Hakkai.  
  
"Why is it I keep falling deeper and deeper still?" he murmured to himself. The result of drinking so much started catching up to him. The world was blurring and all he could think about was that smile that was slowly dissolving away into oblivion until it was finally gone. As the light started fading and darkness started settling in, he wondered to himself:  
  
Could he live like this for the rest of his life?  
  
  
Their life was a fairy tale. Everything would be fine.  
  
Or so he hoped.  
  
Why is it he kept falling deeper and deeper?  
  
  
  
Yaone sighed as she laid back against a field of grass. Her deep purple hair pooled around her pale skin as she listened to the sound of birds singing and feet stepping over the fresh meadow. Sitting up, she smiled at Kougaiji, who stood behind her not far away. Ever since he had been brainwashed, it had been hard getting him to lead a life with no orders. Since Gyuumao had be defeated, the redhead soon found no purpose in life and she and Lirin and Dokugakuji had to work hard to get him as back to normal as possible. Yaone knew he would not be the Kougaiji she had grown to know any longer. But life always seemed to throw awful events at them. Like Hakkai suddenly ending up in the hospital. She did not know his reason, but she wasn't going to press on. It was for Gojyo and the others to do, despite how concerned she was.  
  
But she knew this place was dangerous. Even though, it had been years after the Minus Wave died off, humans were still rather wary of youkai. They were afraid that the youkai would go insane once more, and so some people grew so worried they formed anit-youkai groups. As far as the woman knew, they would practically slaughter any youkai, even if they were a young child or baby, they see. But those groups tended to reside in forests. One careless mistake while passing through towns could get you killed, according to some rumors she overheard.  
  
Yaone didn't realize she had been staring off into space until Kougaiji settled down next to her, rustling the grass and small flowers. The small colored petals he seemed to look at specifically, until he gazed back at the purple haired woman, who looked over curiously. "What's the meaning of these flowers? No one's here to caretake them or whatever."  
  
The pink eyed woman chuckled softly, "It doesn't have to have meaning, Kougaiji. It's just living, and whom passes by it gives its happiness to." She had long since drop the -sama, being that Houtou Castle had been destroyed and Kougaiji was not ruled by anyone but himself. After the Minus Wave, Kougaiji stopped thinking of them as his servants, so the respectful ending dropped dead.  
  
"Happiness?" The woman shifted and wrapped her thin, but strong, arms around the redhead's clothed shoulders as she rested her pale cheek against his neck.  
  
"Yes, happiness. Are you happy, Kougaiji?"  
  
Blue eyes seemed to pause in thought, before a clawed hand reached up to take Yaone's. "Yes, I do think so." She smiled warmly, ready to reply back until a flash of red caught her sight. Curious, she unwrapped her arms and stood up, walking down the hill they sat upon as Kougaiji looked at her in question, before he too followed her down the garden of blossoms. Yaone looked around the area of emerald, before spotting the crimson once more and with it, a scent of blood. Panic raced from her spine as she rushed over to source. Maybe it was a dead animal or something. And once she was where she wanted to be, the woman gasped.  
  
"Hakkai-san?!"  
  
  
  
'Gonou, I love you. I really do.' I love you too, Kanan  
  
'I love you, Hakkai.' I do too, Gojyo. I love you.  
  
'But you must realize the deeper your love goes, the more pain you cause. Realize that there's all these people you have been hurting without even noticing it yourself, both physically and mentally.' I'm sorry. I won't do it again.  
  
'No more mistakes. Resolve it all.' Yes, I will..with my death.  
  
  
  
Dokugakuji frowned at the scene presented to him. Of course, the scene of your younger brother wasted on his own floor wasn't exactly a happy picture. The tall man sighed, shaking his head as he kicked away at a few empty cans of beer before squating down to poke the crimson haired man on the head. "Yo."  
  
"Mmmhm..Hakkai?"  
  
"No, it's your onii-chan, baka." Gojyo lifted sleepy eyes toward the youkai, before falling back down on the carpet. The man's eyebrow twitched, before he whacked his brother clear over the head. The redhead shouted in immense pain that couldn't possibly compare to the aching hangover he felt a few moments ago.  
  
"God! What do you have against me?!"  
  
"Shut up and get off your lazy ass! You look like shit." Gojyo was to his knees, before his shoulders started slumping again. The older man's angry features softened as he sighed. He knew what his brother had been through. He had told him he was worried about the brunette and once he got into the hospital. Well, to him it seemed like Gojyo had been letting himself rot away. And now that the emerald eyed man was missing...He hated seeing the redhead like this. Releasing another sigh, he grabbed Gojyo's arm. "Come on. We need to get you cleaned up. You're starting to stink badly."  
  
"But Hakkai-"  
  
"Later. We'll deal with it later."  
  
  
Yes, even for someone like me-  
  
There are times where I just want to lay down-  
  
And die.  
  
  
Game over or Continue?  
  
  
Short chapter this time ^^.  
  
About Hakkai having lung cancer and not Sanzo and Gojyo- it kinda came from my dad who's been smoking since he was a teenager. He's like 50 years old or so now and he hasn't had lung cancer yet. And also, this fic was supposed to center more on secondhand smoking ^^. 


	4. In my fairytale, everyone lives except f...

This fic is near its end, methinks.  
  
  
  
Once upon a time, everything was fine  
But that was "once upon a time"-  
Long, long ago  
  
  
Even though you love me so, it is all meaningless...  
  
God, do you think I'm a beast? The voice of 'her' that died long ago still haunts my head after all this time. I don't want to forget 'her' but at the same time I don't want to relive what I had left behind so long ago. Why can't I let go? Why is it so hard? Am I just making it difficult for myself?  
  
Or is it I just that don't want her to go away?  
  
'I love onii-chan...I do. I'd do anything for him.'  
  
Why do I keep falling deeper and deeper?  
  
No, don't run away from me. You run so fast. Wait for me---  
  
Kanan...  
  
  
  
Everything hurt. Every nerve was screaming with pain. And blood. Yes, blood. But it would be okay.   
  
Hakkai moaned a little. What happened again? Oh yes... He got tired. He had to rest so he decided to settle on a hill he found nearby. And he was found by anti-youkai groups a few moments after he had woken up. It didn't help that he proved he was a youkai by blasting and injuring a few of them. It was a reflex that surfaced when one of the men grabbed the side of his face and got too close. There were a lot of humans in the anti-group. They got angry and he didn't want to kill anymore.  
  
  
Shifting his arm and stretching the muscle, Hakkai's deep green eyes opened. The setting looked vaguely familar. He couldn't quite place where he was until he heard someone.  
  
"Oh! Kougaiji, look! He's awake!" Kou..gaiji? Yaone? The brunette grunted as he rose up to get more of a view of his surroundings. After Gyuumao was defeated, the Kougaiji-tachi didn't want to be anywhere near Tenjiku. Too many bad memories, Yaone had said. So they lived somewhere near the town he and Gojyo settled. A few months ago, it had been Yaone's birthday and this was the same couch he had fallen asleep on. That was when the lung cancer was surfacing with symptoms. He knew he was unusually tired, but didn't think too much of it at the time. The female youkai excused him, letting him rest. Later he woke up to Gojyo's voice and the taboo man kissed him on the cheek saying, "It's time to go, babe." He apologized to the purple-haired woman for missing out, and she just smiled as he left with the redhead's arm slung around his shoulders.  
  
"Sha Gojyo, you're too good for me," the green-eyed man murmured to himself as two youkai entered from the hall.  
  
"Hakkai, you should be lying down." Yaone sighed as she walked over to the couch to gently force the man back to the position he was in before. Emerald eyes peered at her through thin chocolate tresses. She gave him a slight smile and went to sit on a chair nearby. Kougaiji's solid face, which held curiousity through clear blue eyes, came into view. He did not speak, nor smile. He did not know what to do. Hakkai always felt a little sorry for the man. Since his mind was wiped clean, anything other than what Gyokumen wanted him to do was both intriguing and awkward for him. Opening his mouth a little, dry words emerged. "What..hap..pened?"  
  
Yaone's smile starting straining a little, "We found you injured earlier, so we took you back to our house. I tried to do all I could to speed up your recovery. Gojyo must be worried sick. Dokugakuji decided to visit him in the morning."  
  
At the mention of Gojyo, the brunette's mind was jolted with shock.  
  
"Gojyo..shouldn't-!" The door suddenly squeaked open. All three heads turned to look at who had arrived. A small cat bell jingled lightly as Lirin stepped inside, blinking owlishly at all of them with her brilliant green eyes.  
  
"Ne..Yaone-chan, onii-chan...What's going on?"  
  
  
  
Dokugakuji sipped absently on a can of beer as his brother wandered in with a pair of jeans clinging to his hips and a towel draped around moist shoulders. Letting the cool air touch and dry his bare skin, Gojyo plopped down on the couch to his side. He brushed back loose strands of wet hair, settling into the soft cushion of his seat. "So what are you doing here?"  
  
"That's a nice way of greeting your onii-chan. I heard from Yaone-chan that Hakkai was missing?"  
  
Gojyo's expression faltered a little, before he tried to brighten it and offered a wry smile, "Yeah. The guy's gone missing for a couple days. He always seems to attract trouble like that monk."  
  
Clank.  
  
Scarlet eyes looked up to see the empty beer can thrown against the wooden table in front of him. Dokugakuji balled up his fist as he ceased leaning against the flat wall behind him. "I may have abandoned my life as Jien, but even so I will not stand to see my onii-chan do this to himself! Even if I'm not the same as I was back then, I still know you. I know you from the inside out, Gojyo. Don't fuckin' lie to me!" His expression softened. "I know you're hurting Gojyo, but you've got to do something about it."  
  
That's when the redhead stood up.   
  
"I did! I looked everywhere! I couldn't find him! Don't say I'm doing shit, because I am! I am..!" He sighed, falling back on the couch, covering one of his taboo eyes. He stared straight into the ceiling through the gaps between his fingers. Yes, he was hurting, so much it was hard to even get a vague description. Dokugakuji couldn't understand. What could've happened to him? He was sick. He wasn't even as the hospital and he was -sick-.  
  
"You're pathetic."  
  
"What was that?!" The redhead was up immediately, ready to knock out the lights of the first person who came within one foot of him. Dokugakuji sighed to himself and crossed his solid arms over a strong chest. True, he did not know where Hakkai was. Maybe Yaone or Kougaiji knew. They seemed to come across little details like that.  
  
"Gojyo, come to my house. Maybe Yaone-chan or Kou knows something." The half-youkai's shoulders sagged as the tension released. He nodded slightly as he silently hoped that they knew something. But he could only hope.  
  
  
  
"Lung cancer?! Hakkai-" A hand stopped the pink-eyed woman from going on any further. The soft sounds of a bell were only heard as the brunette let his hand fall to his lap, thin chocolate bangs shadowing his eyes from the world. Slightly, his shoulders shook. At first the three youkai who were once associated with Gyokumen thought he was crying. That is..until a small chuckle was heard. Lirin played with her wavy ponytail nervously as the chuckles got louder. Louder and louder, until Hakkai lifted his head. As first, the young girl thought she saw tears but discovered it was only a mere illusion of her mind. The smile stretched on the pale man's face however, was thin and forced. Despair pulled at the brunette's eyebrows as he spoke slowly, as to not choke on his words.  
  
"I thought once..that maybe I could live like I had long ago. Seemed like nothing mattered now. The Minus Wave, Gyuumao, wild youkai. It was all a vague memory whenever I would think back on it. But now, it seems that life likes to kick you in the teeth. Ne?" He smiled a smile that held the forced happiness used once upon a time. Before, it was hard to tell the difference between that and a real smile and Yaone would feel gulity that she did not sense that he was hurting inside.  
  
Hakkai looked up at nearest corner on the ceiling, not really speaking to anyone in particular as he just about repeated what Kanan had said many years ago, a hopeless smile with hopeless eyes "I love Sha Gojyo...I do. I'd do anything for him."  
  
Anything.  
  
'Yes even for someone like me, there are times where I just want to lay down and die.  
  
They say..crying helps make a person feel better. I want to cry. But I can't.  
  
I just can't...'  
  
  
Sanzo let the top of his robe fall to his waist and gather at the back, exposing the sleek black shirt and dark arm-warmers underneath. He really wanted to smoke. Withdrawal sucked ass. However, Goku had been making sure that he didn't have any cigarettes on him in the past few days. It was getting on his nerves, especially since the younger man had been getting nit-picky in his opinion. "Sanzo, what do you have in your pockets?" and "Sanzo, you haven't been smoking, have you?" are now frequently asked questions. And he would answer, "Shit's in my pocket. Now get out of my face" or he would just give the saru a good whacking. He was getting more and more short-tempered this days. Like he said before: Withdrawal sucks ass. Sometimes Goku would actually rummage through his drawers and pockets and any other place he may hold a pack, like in his boots or something.  
  
So the bakazaru was getting serious. He could deal with that. No. Really.  
  
The blonde sighed heavily. He'd been informed in the late afternoon by Kougaiji that he and Goku should come by his house. Something important he said. But it wasn't as if Chou An allowed phones to be connected in his office, so after the temple monks stopped shaking brooms at the redheaded youkai prince, he'd spoken with him. Sanzo was never really sure exactly how to react to the youkai's brainwashing, so he didn't react at all. Of course, it was still very awkward to see an emotionless Kougaiji, who had stood firm when the monks tried to shoo him away. So here he was, walking back with the youkai prince and Goku for something he still didn't know of. He couldn't think of what either Kougaiji or Yaone would want with him. Bouncy, energetic steps behind him and calm, collected steps in front. Sanzo ch'ed and crossed his arms over his chest as he continued to walk on through the grass.  
  
  
He stared at the darkness behind his eyelids. Yaone told him to get some rest. He would try. His pupils moved around, even as skin hid them from the light. Nothing but darkness, and he was still awake. He pulled a hand up as he coughed violently into the palm. He didn't bother with wiping off what could've been more blood. The sharp, cold bite of pain at his lungs, making it hard to breath in deeply. Was this hell? Or was it heaven? An eden that is poisoned deeply with the stench of decay. He opened his eyes. The room was empty as he expected. Lifting himself off the couch, Hakkai sighed deeply and walked down the hall to the bathroom, taking his precious time. Slowly he turned on the cold water in the sink and with that same speed washed off the disgusting crimson off his hand. Despite the fact the cold water rose above it, Hakkai could just smell the stench of scarlet, a scent he grew very familar with before the journey to the west. He himself had taken in the smell of death before. A thousand deaths to be exact, which stank all the same. And so much red. Red. Red. Red. Rain.  
  
In the back of his mind he acknowledged the sound of the front door opening. It must be Kougaiji. Washing off the rest of the red and watching it swirl into the drain, the brunette walked out of the bathroom. Again he went slow. How his chest hurt. Not only from the cancer from also from pulling off such a devious trick on Gojyo. The redhead usually found it hard to forgive somebody, so what chances did he have? He came back into the living room to see Yaone, Lirin, Kougaiji..and Sanzo and Goku. His heart froze again.  
  
He heard Sanzo speak first.  
  
"Your secret's slipping out."  
  
So it is.  
  
And his story was told once more.  
  
'In my fairytale, everyone lives except for me. With tainted hands I wash out the red and watch life fall before me.'  
  
  
Game over or Continue?  
  
I admit, I expected to add more to this chapter(which is why it took so long. I was plotting too hard)..but then I decided it should go into chapter 5 because if I put it here..there wouldn't be much to add in the next chapter. The next and last chapter(yes, last) will contain more GojyoxHakkai..but GojyoxHakkai really isn't the plot of the story, the plot is the lung cancer(which I seem to forget to add in*sweatdrop*) Now, I must go work on Messiah. 


	5. You freeze as I whisper my goodbyes

I must get through my embarassment stage. I must get through my embarassment stage. I must...*chants*  
  
And sorry Hakkai doesn't seem ill, but he still has a couple months and..I don't know! Maybe it's a youkai thing!*scampers off*  
  
  
Once upon a time...  
On e time...  
  
I had that dream the other day. It was weird..really weird. I've been having that dream lately. All of them end the same way too. Weird...too weird. Or maybe it was something half-youkais have. Maybe the crazy dreams make them pick up a knife and stab.  
  
Well, I certainly hope not.  
  
I'd fall into the folds of sleep and 'find myself' on the shore. I remember it as the shore Hakkai brought me to one day, when we were still on the journey with the monk and monkey. The beach was secluded though, as it was in the dream. It was the place where he had confessed how he really felt. And yes I was shocked, surprised at his love. Never once thought of settling down. That was probably why I slept around. I'd be seeking a piece of love..that was real, not sexual. That's how I see it. But all the women; they just want sex. There's no love and if there was it was obsession. Supposedly for my "violet eyes" and dyed hair of red. Those certainly wouldn't true about me. No sir. So I'm picky. But I think it's fair to want real love. I only got it from Jien after all.  
  
In reality, Hakkai had smiled so sadly, I thought he was going to cry. But no, Hakkai was strong. He wouldn't cry. In fact..now that I think of it, I'd never seen him cry. Tough guy, but an idiot sometimes. Just when I'd think highly of him, the guy would go and show how stupid he was.   
  
In my dreams, he had said the same words of confession, smiled the same smile.   
  
But then he would back away from my shocked-silly self. But then his feet would touch the shallow end of the calm emerald sea and it would rise to his ankles. And he would ask me a question I'd never heard him say in reality.  
  
-Do you love me?---...  
  
My dream self would be taken aback. I'd never expect such an innocent question out of him. But this was a dream, not the real thing. Before my dream self would be able to answer, before the words fly off the tip of his- no, my - tongue, he'd back away even more. But he wasn't scared, and if he was, he didn't show it. Damn his smile. My words would choke and dissolve from my mind as I would be too bemused to answer. Damn myself, my stupidity. Hakkai would smile even sadder..yet fondly somehow, and turn his back toward me and walk further from the shoreline. My fingers would twitch, my knees would quiver as if trying to move, however I'd be left motionless, still. My blood would run cold and dread sense of feel would settle itself in my skin like a bad cold. My breath would be moving as though caught in a large filter, never completely together. My eyes would focus on him, and him only. To hell with the sky, to hell with the sea, to hell with everything. Except him.  
  
-And he would let his body fall into the water, as though it were natural, and disappear from my life.  
  
-And the words I had neglected to say, blocked by solid cubes of pride, would echo through the empty space that moved itself in my mind.  
  
[I love you]  
  
  
Shit.  
  
  
  
"Gojyo! Wake up!"  
  
No.  
  
"Gojyo!"  
  
Shut up.  
  
"Shit...-Gojyo! Wake the fuck up!"  
  
What's that? I'm too tired to move. He's gone, don't you know?  
  
  
  
Dokugakuji growled from his place in the driver's seat of Hakuryuu. His brother was totally spazzing in his sleep. So he tried yelling at the half-youkai, tried shaking him, but finally, with one hand firm on the wheel, he slapped the redhead's tanned cheek with the back of his hand, sending Gojyo nearly flying out of his seat. With the breeze blowing through the spaces between his hair and the blood rushing to his head as his head was lolled over the edge, the half-youkai awoke and bolted straight up.  
  
"What are you trying to do?! Kill me?!"  
  
Dokugakuji absently scratched his ear, "Maybe."  
  
Gojyo swore he was hit with a large rock of shock. "You..."  
  
Dokugakuji just laughed.  
  
  
  
Hakkai stared with blank eyes at the clear sky from his seat by the window. The sun was beginning to sink into the horizon, and the stars and moon were starting to become more visible. He'd admitted everything, said everything. He remembered the amount of shock in both Goku's and Lirin's eyes as they heard the news. Yaone's eyebrows had furrowed and Kougaiji had stared emotionlessly yet knowingly, as did Sanzo. Goku had then tugged on Sanzo's sleeve desperately, practically screaming in denial that this was not true. And Sanzo had, in answer, looked away from the near-hysterical brunet. That, in itself, was an response of, 'Yes, it's true.'   
  
Hakkai told them afterwards, he needed time alone.  
  
The brunette absently rubbed his finger along one of the small snowglobes Yaone sometimes bought. A flick of the wrist sent the pieces of rainbow fluttering in the water around the sculpture of a simple design of two hearts interwined. Sadness crept along his automatic smile that seemed like a reflex these days. The sparkles made it look as though there were stars twirling around the hearts in an act of the mystic, to bond these people forever and ever. And soon it was drifting away, to settle at the bottom and isolate the two lovers forever from their power. Eventually, the hearts would crack and separate without the mystic to help glue the deteriorating bond together. It felt cold around his heart and painful in his lungs as he coughed again and again, reflexively smudging some of the blood that got on his hand to draw a fat line between the hearts. And his breath froze for that moment to hold back the next cough, as his fingers loosened and dropped the globe. Its glass smashed and shattered around his feet and the legs of the chair he sat on, sounding off a number of high-pitched noises. The water spilled and fanned itself out, carrying the rainbow colors with it. The sculpture was cracked and broken in half.  
  
There was some sort of magic that he had crushed.  
  
Green eyes stared down on the two hearts, separated and ruined. Soon, Yaone, Lirin, and Goku came running in the room, eyes wide and panicked. But Hakkai just sat there, staring endlessly at the broken bond. The bond that he had sliced, mutilated. The blood that ran along the side of his mouth was drying and sticking to his skin, but he neglected to wipe it off. He heard the murmurs of Yaone.  
  
"Come. Let's get you to bed."  
  
Around the corner of the end of the hallway the three had emerged from, Sanzo moved back from the wall to his seat on the couch.  
  
  
Gojyo sighed as a familar house came into view. Hopefully, at least Yaone would hear something. All this wasn't good on his heart. The soft engine of Hakuryuu slowed to a halt in front of the steps that led up to a wooden porch. The redhead watched as Dokugakuji got out of the jeep and started up the steps. Shaking his head, Gojyo followed after.  
  
  
-Do you love me?---...  
  
A drench of cold came over him. He shook his head for a reason, dammit! Why is it this dream seemed to haunt him, especially now when Hakkai suddenly became ill? Was it trying to tell him something? But he didn't believe in fated shit like that.  
  
  
  
"...When eleven of them had made their promises, suddenly the thirteenth came in. She wished to avenge herself for not having been invited, and without greeting, or even looking at anyone, she cried with a loud voice, "The king's daughter shall in her fifteenth year prick herself with a spindle, and fall down dead." And, without saying a word more, she turned round and left the room....  
  
"They were all shocked, but the twelfth, whose good wish still remained unspoken, came forward, and as she could not undo the evil sentence, but only soften it, she said, "It shall not be death, but a deep sleep of a hundred years, into which the princess shall fall." Hakkai sighed as he closed the book in his hands, which held the tale of the Grimm Brothers' "Sleeping Beauty." Raking a hand through thinning chocolate tresses, his ears perked at the familar sound of Hakuryuu. It could only mean one thing: Gojyo was here. Another sigh. He wasn't in the mood to deal with this; too tired lately. He just hoped someone would cover for him in the meantime. Placing the book on the shelf, he carried himself back to bed.   
  
"It shall not be death, but a deep sleep of a hundred years... A sleep, which sleeping beauty will never awaken from." And he slowly closed his emerald eyes to the familar footsteps at the door.  
  
  
"What do you mean 'he's here'?!"  
  
Sanzo closed his eyes as the half-youkai practically screamed in his ear. As if Goku wasn't enough... The blonde looked at the redhead once more as spoke his next words. "However, I'd advise you not to go see him right now."  
  
"The fuck do you mean, you filthy monk?!" Sanzo just stared down on him as a tanned hand grabbed and yanked at the collar of his robes. Forcefully, he yanked Gojyo's hand away. "What I mean is, you ass, is that Hakkai is not in any condition to handle all that screaming you're producing."  
  
"Why not?!"  
  
"Lung cancer." The words were said so casually, his mind could barely take the shock of it. If that was what he thought it was...  
  
"W-what?"  
  
"Lung cancer." Gojyo could see Yaone visibly tense from his side and Goku look away to his feet, which suddenly started shuffling. Suddenly, a grin cracked on his face. "Stop shittin' with me, monk. Hakkai doesn't have cancer!"  
  
"I'm not shittin', kappa." Silence filled every corner of the room and one of the half-youkai's eyebrows twitched. Growling and enraged, he swung a fist at Sanzo, uncaring as to where he was aiming and took off down the hallway. The blonde, however, was now sitting against a shelf of broken glass. Waving off Goku's blatant worry, he lifted himself to his feet, rubbing at the throbbing pain on his cheek which would bruise in the morning. Casually, he brushed off the bits of glass that got on his robe as the brunet looked over him.  
  
"Sanzo, are you okay?" He asked for the second time.  
  
"I'm fine, bakazaru. I've had worse." Letting out a sigh, he brushed a few fingers through his golden hair and looked down the hallway where the redhead had disappeared in. "Damn kappa."  
  
  
  
It's not true. It can't be true..!  
  
What if it was?  
  
Can't be...  
  
-Do you love me? I mean, it's okay if you don't. I'm used to it.---...  
  
-But it's silly, isn't it? That I love you so much...---...  
  
-Wish I didn't sometimes...---...  
  
  
Gojyo practically tore every door in the hall open, until he came to the one which held the only person he'd ever love. He was asleep, or pretending he was. Hurrying over to the brunette's side, red eyes looked over a calm face. Nothing wrong..except, his hair looks a little thin..and he looks paler than usual..and-  
  
"Aw shit."  
  
Green eyes opened to those words. "Gojyo?"  
  
The said man wanted to just take the brunette in his arms and plant kisses all over his face, but no, he had a more negative reaction that he would later regret.   
  
"Dammit, Hakkai- why didn't you tell me?!" He could just imagine the youkai's blood run cold with those words.  
  
"Gojyo, I didn't want you to worry."  
  
"Worry?! -Worry-?! I'm not fuckin' worried, I'm fuckin' traumatized! Hakkai, how could you keep this from me?! I would've understood!"  
  
"Because, you would've changed. You would've started treating me like some sort of China doll. And I'm not that fragile, Gojyo!"  
  
-And it would just make me sad to see your fearful face when I'm gone-  
  
Suddenly, Hakkai cupped his hands over his mouth as he coughed from his outburst. Gojyo just stared down on him in disgust.  
  
"You make me so fuckin' miserable." And with that last sentence, the half-youkai left the room with a bang.  
  
  
Hakkai visibly shivered and deeply sighed. It would be fine. Gojyo was just mad. He gets mad sometimes. Glumly reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a tiny plastic box. Inside the transparent casing was a small plastic ring. The brunette smiled fondly as he remembered Gojyo grumbling over cheap prizes when they went to the town carnival last year. He'd kept this one to himself though, because the fake ruby on the top reminded him of the redhead, and the red wasn't deep enough to look like fresh blood. Slipping open the casing, Hakkai let the ring practically stick itself to his ring finger. His fond smile softened with sadness for that moment.  
  
For a while, he wanted to be with Gojyo as more than -just- a lover or -just- a roommate. Sometimes, he really did want their love to be completely bonded with marriage. But that was before he'd discovered his cancer. Doctors had a way to shooting people's dreams down from the sky. Rubbing the pad of his thumb over the fake red plastic, Hakkai's breath shuddered.  
  
It was terribly cold around his heart.  
  
  
So he could have a short-temper. So what? Gojyo sat glaring in his chair, a glare that came close to Sanzo's. Anyone wise enough would steer clear of his path and leave him be.   
  
So Hakkai had lung cancer. God, cancer. But how? Hakkai never smoked in his life. It was impossible. Reaching in his pocket, Gojyo pulled out his pack of Hi-Lites. Unless the brunette was smoking behind his back....Nah. Hakkai wasn't like that.   
  
So...  
  
Suddenly it smacked him in the head like a ton of bricks. His breath caught short as he looked down on his pack of choice cigarettes. Didn't he come across this anti-drug commerical once? This one this seven-year old drew. A commerical of a teenage girl smoking a big, fat cigarette while watching TV, her baby brother close by. The smoke that came from the drug took form, unknown to the teen, and grabbed the baby, taking him away from the girl. And when she looked back to check on her brother, no one was there. A secondhand smoking commerical...  
  
Angrily, he threw his pack at the floor, as if his glare would burn a hole through the material. Dammit, damn him, damn the whole fucking world. How could he have not realized it before?  
  
How could he let this happen?  
  
Gojyo felt himself sink deeper into the cushions of his chair. How could he kill the one person whom he had grown to love so much..and who had loved him back? How? Why? Was this some sort of half-youkai thing? Half-youkais were said to be a misfortune after all. This was another misfortune. Hakkai's death. His mother's death. Jien's "death". All because of this half-breed blood that ran through his veins? Tanned fingers gripped at a few strands of his long, crimson hair, as if to tear it off and see the scarlet pour from the insides of his skull.  
  
This wasn't fair. His life isn't fair. It never was.  
  
His whole life, drenched in pure red.  
  
"Gojyo." That voice...  
  
He was met with soft, but tired, emerald eyes, framed with thin, chocolate strands of hair. Gojyo sighed and turned his chair to face the man, outstretching his arms to the other. He didn't even smile a little when Hakkai stepped close, allowing him to wrap his arms around the other's small waist. Burying his face into Hakkai's white shirt, Gojyo pulled the brunette tight against his body, as though if he let go, the man would never come back to him. The redhead felt hands settle at his shoulder blades in a gesture of comfort and could feel Hakkai's melancholy gaze on his head.  
  
If only it wasn't this way. If he could just go back in time and change all this. If only he could prevent this...  
  
If only...  
  
How could he live without seeing Hakkai's warming smile in the morning, his comforting heat? How would he live, coming home to absolutely nothing? No greetings of kindness, no gentle kiss, no nothing. Just silence, coldness, emptiness. He wouldn't stand for that! Hakkai couldn't leave! He couldn't!  
  
If only...  
  
If he had just...  
  
Hakkai couldn't die...He couldn't.  
  
Thoughts of that smile fading away made his grip tighter until his knuckles turned white.  
  
  
  
Hakkai wasn't going to die. He wasn't..!  
  
If only...that was true.  
  
Gojyo felt himself sinking deeper into misery.  
  
  
"Gojyo..let's go home."  
  
"...Yeah."  
  
  
  
  
Once they were back in there apartment, Gojyo wrapped his arms back around the other man from behind, resting his head on the brunette's shoulder. "Why'd you leave anyway?"  
  
"I wanted to talk to Sanzo." Hakkai answered simply, leaning back into the taller man's warmth.  
  
"Ch'. The monk? Whatever for?"  
  
"Well, at the time, he was the only one who knew about my cancer. But as I was going to Chou An, I was attacked by an anti-youkai group and ended up telling Yaone and Kougaiji, and eventually everyone else..." Gojyo hurriedly spun the other around and grabbed him by his shoulders.  
  
"Attacked? Are you okay, babe? You're not still hurting, are you?" Hakkai smiled a little at the worry creased in his lover's ruby eyes.  
  
"I'm fine, Gojyo. I was just tired at the time."  
  
"Well don't do that again. It got me worried." He kissed the brunette's forehead. Hakkai chuckled a little.  
  
"Sorry." That's when Gojyo noticed the plastic clinging to the man's ring finger. Taking his hand in his, he questioned, "What's this, babe?"  
  
"Oh! You remember last year's carnival? This was one of the prizes we got."  
  
"Yeah. Cheap ones too." Gojyo mumbled, much to the brunette's amusement. "So why'd you keep this one?"  
  
"It reminds me of you." Hakkai smiled and pecked the man's tanned cheek. In return, the redhead grinned cheekily and lifted the green-eyed man in his arms like a groom would his bride and took the "bride" by much shock.  
  
"G-gojyo?!" But the redhead just grinned and kicked open the door to the room they shared often. He set Hakkai down to sit on the edge of the bed and let his fingers roam through those chocolate bangs and lift the man's head up as he leaned over from where he stood to press his lips against the others. The green-eyed man felt his eyelids enclose his sight as he melted into the calming warmth that overtook and melted the ice around his heart. He let his pale hands sneak up to pulled the other closer to him, feeling Gojyo's warm tongue trace his bottom lip. Allowing his lips to part, the brunette moaned as he felt the heated muscle reclaim his mouth with its touch. It made every nerve in his body tingle with pleasure, as his own tongue battled with the redhead's over dominance. And as he was busy with that, he absently noticed hands trailing over his shirt to finger the buttons on the front. He barely noticed those buttons being pulled loose with all the pleasure going to his head, making him delirious. But he needed air and so did Gojyo, so eventually they broke apart, panting for oxygen. The brunette idly noted the trail of saliva running down the side of his mouth.  
  
His head was too light to notice his shirt being slipped from his shoulders. But then Gojyo used it to carry him back into another kiss. Finally his back touched the cold air sharply and Hakkai shivered. But a tanned hand was there to offer warmth and he relaxed once more.  
  
The green-eyed man sighed contently as hands brushed through his hair lovingly, and it was until fingers started to settle on his belt that he spoke. "Gojyo..I don't-"  
  
"Shhhh." Hakkai was silenced from any more words with chaste kiss to the lips.  
  
"We don't have to. Just let me cherish this moment." The brunette nodded slowly. He trusted Gojyo, so there'd be no problem. He let the redhead take off the rest of his clothing. He let the man kiss at his torso and run his hands over his thighs. He let him, because he trusted him.  
  
Soon, Hakkai was laying on the bed, with Gojyo hovering over him, just as naked as he was. He closed his eyes to the half-youkai's light kisses, caresses, and gentle whispers. He took it all in to cherish it later on as he was now. Slowly, he cupped the redhead's face in both his hands, noting how pale they were compared to the other's darker tone and smiled as warmly as he could muster under his conditions.  
  
"Gojyo, thank you." And he softly kissed the other man's lips, pulling himself up by draping his arms around the other's shoulders.  
  
"For what?"  
  
"Everything you've done for me." Another kiss.  
  
"Hey, I'd do anything for you, babe."  
  
Anything.  
  
"You know, the town carnival is coming up. You want to go again, Gojyo?"  
  
"More cheap prizes?" The redhead groaned as the other chuckled.  
  
"Afraid so."  
  
Suddenly, a grin crossed the redhead's face, "Hmmm, I don't know. Maybe we shouldn't..."  
  
"Please, Gojyo? Please?"  
  
"Only if you call me 'Master'." Gojyo could've just fallen on his ass laughing at the look on Hakkai's face right then.  
  
"Gojyo, you naughty-"  
  
"You bet." Hakkai didn't get to finish his sentence as Gojyo reeled him in for another breath-taking kiss, pressing his torso against the other's and entwining his arms around his back so that they were practically sitting again.  
  
"Of course we're going." The redhead breathed out once they broke apart.  
  
"Good." Gojyo thought he was falling in love all over again at that beautiful smile and hugged the man closer to him. That was how it was like for the remainder of the night, all the way into sunrise.  
  
  
  
In the next few days, Gojyo found him staring at the black velvet box in his hands. How should he ask? What would Hakkai say? Was this even necessary knowing that....Gojyo shook his head. No, he should let Hakkai cherish his last two or so months with him. He can ask tonight, when they go to the carnival. Yeah, that's a good plan.  
  
  
"Do you -really- think taking cough drops will halt your chronic coughs momentarily?" Gojyo asked in a flat tone as Hakkai just smiled.  
  
"Well, it's worth a try. Besides, I don't want to cough during our fun."  
  
"Yeah? But I want to taste you, not some herb," Gojyo whispered seductively in the other's ear, lightly nipping at the lobe. The brunette went red and pointed out.  
  
"Gojyo, people are staring."  
  
Oh right. They were outside. And Hakkai was indeed correct. People -were- staring.  
  
"Hey, this ain't no show. Scram." As if on cue, the crowd did go their separate ways. Gojyo turned back toward the other and just grinned nervously. "Sorry, babe."  
  
Hakkai just smiled fondly, "It's alright, Gojyo. We should start for the park anyway." And hand in hand, they walked as to give Hakuryuu a break and let the dragon sleep in.  
  
  
They went on so many rides, that soon the different shades of light strung about were a natural thing to the eyes. Hakkai had hacked up some blood, but it was taken care of. Soon the couple could be found resting on a wooden bench, cuddling like any other couple at the carnival.  
  
"Well, that was fun," Gojyo commented, feeling the brunette nod against his shoulder.  
  
"We should go on the Ferris Wheel again. But later. I'm kinda tired right now." Hakkai dug his cheek deeper into the redhead's warmth. Gojyo let his fingers gently caress the other's face. "That's okay. Just rest, babe."  
  
"Gojyo, you ever wonder how many stars there are in the sky?"  
  
"Uh, sometimes." The brunette smiled.  
  
"Kanan used to try to count them all, but lost count at fifteen."  
  
"Better than some people." He nodded again.  
  
"I wonder if I can count them all. 1..2...3...4..."   
  
Eventually, Hakkai fell asleep. He fell into a darkness that was cold, damp, and chilled him to the very bone. The light was so far away above his head. If only, he had wings then maybe he could reach it...  
  
It was cold inside his body. It was terribly dark.  
  
It felt..almost as though his soul was lifting.  
  
Cold...terribly cold.  
  
-Gojyo...wake me up...-  
  
So cold...  
  
-Wake me up...-  
  
  
Gojyo watched his lover's slumbering face, barely containing his excitement to pop the question. He was so nervous, yet somewhat giddy at the same time. But it was getting late, and Hakkai had been sleeping for a couple hours. So, gently, the redhead shook the other's shoulders. "Babe, it's time to get up."  
  
No answer.  
  
"Hakkai?" Why did the brunette feel so cold?  
  
"Hakkai? Wake up, babe." Why wasn't he answering?  
  
"Hey! This isn't funny! Wake up!" Could it be...?  
  
"Wake up, damn you!" But the doctors said...  
  
"Wake up!!" And he was just about to propose to him...  
  
"Hakkai!!" So why...?  
  
Why?  
  
Regardless to the horrified crowd of people gathering around him, Gojyo pulled the brunette's motionless body close to him and buried his face in his shirt, into the chest which would no longer echo with a heartbeat.  
  
Why?  
  
  
How could he live without seeing Hakkai's warming smile in the morning?  
  
That's right.  
  
He wouldn't live at all.  
  
  
  
  
Sanzo leaned back in his chair, newspaper in hand.  
  
"Man died at carnival. Doctors underestimated time frame," he read aloud, regardless if any monk came in. "Cho Hakkai, age 26, died at his town's carnival Thursday night. The man he was seen with, Sha Gojyo, 26, refused to be questioned on the matter, even going so far as to attack a reporter. Sounds like the kappa." Sanzo let his gaze roam toward the window that glimmered with the contents of the outside world, where Goku was currently. Sighing deeply, he threw the newspaper back on the desktop and pinched the bridge of his nose, slipping his reading glasses off from their perch in front of his eyes. Telling the golden-eyed youkai would be hard.   
  
And he lifted himself off his seat, and exited the office, leaving the newspaper alone on the document-filled tabletop.  
  
  
  
Kanzeon Bosatsu casually strode through the rooms of Gojyo and Hakkai's apartment, Jiroshin a couple steps behind her.  
  
"Kanzeon Bosatsu, what do you think of terrible event?"  
  
She stopped at the entrance to the open kitchen and turned around to face the other. "What do I think?" She turned her gaze back to the man sprawled on his stomach, laying in a pool of drying blood a few feet away. The crimson shaded knife limply clutched in a tanned hand as locks of red covered the man's dead and decaying face. Her lips curved into a knowing smirk.  
  
"I think, until the next life. Ne, Tenpou Gensui? Kenren Taishou?"  
  
  
Game Over...  
  
  
  
Ahhh! It's over! OUAT is over! Whew! Another story off my back! And sorry to the people who wanted Hakkai to live, but I was trying to get a point across about smoking.  
  
And the angst. I couldn't resist the angst.  
  
The angst bunny! It latches!  
  
Angst bunny: *latch*  
  
Well, until the next fic or so.  
  
- Doc, 2002 


End file.
